The following material was compiled by
WOMEN'S CRISIS SUPPORT of Santa Cruz, California.

Are You Abused?

You may be in an abusive relationship if:

Psychological abuse can leave you fearful, helpless, and powerless to act in your own behalf. Physical abuse often starts with emotional abuse.

"But I hit him back!"

Abuse in a relationship is generally NOT mutual. It is about power and control. One person usually tries to dominate the other. Thus, even in situations where an equal number of blows are exchanged, the perpetration of abuse can be one-sided.

There are differences in the uses and effects of violence. The abuser uses violence with the intention and effect of intimidating, humiliating, or frightening their partner. The abused person may strike back in self-defense or in valid rage. However, even when the abused person strikes back, they do not instill fear in their abuser and they are not using violence as a tool of domination.

NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED! THERE IS A WAY OUT! CALL YOUR LOCAL SHELTER OR WOMENS' GROUP FOR HELP!

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is a referral agency of shelters and community services for women in the continental United States, Alaska, Hawaii, Washington D.C., all U.S. territories, and the Virgin Islands. Call them if you fear for your or your children's safety. They can refer you to a shelter or women's organization near you.

Most shelters and women's community services provide resources similar to the ones provided by Women's Crisis Support of Santa Cruz, California. (Business office- 408-477-4244 fax: 408-477-4231 Crisis line- 408-728-2295 or 408-429-1478)

Women's Crisis Support (WCS) responds to the needs of Santa Cruz County women and their children who are experiencing or recovering from family violence. WCS benefits the community through family violence prevention, education and related services.

WCS helps women help themselves and provides the following services:

  • A 24 hour crisis line (408-728-2295 or 408-429-1478). It provides information about WCS' shelter and other resources for women dealing with domestic violence.

  • Assistance with filing Temporary Restraining Orders. Referrals for legal advice are also provided.

  • A domestic violence drop-in group. Here, women can learn from each other by sharing their experiences dealing with domestic violence. Free child care is provided. The group meets on Tuesday from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. at the Walnut Ave. Women's Center, 303 Walnut Ave. Santa Cruz, CA. 408-426-3062

  • A shelter (in a secret location) to provide immediate relief and support for survivors of family violence.

  • Sexual assault and domestic violence advocates. These women are trained to provide emotional support to survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence.They accompany the survivor to the hospital during the examination. Advocates also give shelter information, other referrals and help the survivor interpret the legal system.

  • Programs for children of shelter residents.

  • Supportive services, advocacy, referrals, and counseling.

  • Support to help family violence survivors make the transition to a better life. WCS gives them the resources and information they need to achieve their goals.

  • Education and outreach to families, schools, public and private agencies and others in the community. WCS strives to educate them about the causes, identification and prevention of family violence and the resources available when family violence has occurred.

    Remember, you DESERVE to be treated with respect! There is NO excuse for physical or emotional abuse- EVER!

    Sometimes Batterers Kill

    It is possible to determine if a batterer is likely to kill their partner, other family members, and/or others attempting intervention. The following may be warning signs of a batterer's potential to kill.

  • RAGE AT ABANDONMENT The most life-threatening rage often erupts when a batterer believes the battered woman is leaving.

  • THREATS OF HOMICIDE OR SUICIDE The batterer who has threatened to commit suicide, to kill their partner, the children, or the battered woman's relatives must be considered extremely dangerous.

  • WEAPONS When a batterer possesses weapons and has used them or has threatened to use them in the past against the battered woman, the children, or themselves, their access to those weapons increases the potential for murder.

  • FANTASIES OF HOMICIDE OR SUICIDE The more the batterer has developed a fantasy about who, how, when and/or where to kill, the more dangerous they may be. The batterer who has previously acted out part of a homicide or suicide fantasy may be considering murder as a viable "solution" to their problem.

  • DEPRESSION When a batterer has been acutely depressed and sees little hope for moving beyond the depression, they may be a candidate for homicide and suicide.

  • OBSESSIVE ABOUT PARTNER OR FAMILY A person who is obsessive about their female partner, who idolizes her and feels they cannot live without her, or who believes they are entitled to her no matter what because they are married, is more likely to be life-endangering.

  • CENTRALITY OF THE BATTERED WOMAN If the loss of the battered woman represents or leads to a perceived loss of hope for a positive future, a batterer may choose to kill.

  • DRUG OR ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION during a state of despair or fury, increases the risk of deadly force.

  • PET ABUSE Batterers who assault and mutilate pets are more likely to kill or maim family members.

  • LOSS OF STATUS When the loss of the partner makes the batterer feel he/she has less to live for, he/she may be more prone to desperate acts.


    • THE PRESENCE OF THESE INDICATORS MAY MEAN THAT YOUR BATTERER IS CONTEMPLATING MURDER!

    YOUR LIFE IS WORTH MORE
    THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP!






    SAFETY STRATEGIES FOR LEAVING YOUR ABUSER

    When planning your escape, bear in mind that you may be in great danger. Batterers can be most dangerous when the survivor is leaving.

    Consider:

  • Discussing a safety plan with a crisis-line worker.

  • Finding a safe time to get things together when you know the abuser will not find you packing.

  • A police standby can be used to monitor the scene while you pack.

  • Not leaving a note. Destroy all clues as to where you're going.

  • Moving furniture into storage.

  • Hiding Weapons.

  • Setting out food for animals (or taking them to the SPCA for emergency care).

    Planning a safe place to go:

  • You may stay with friends or family if your abuser will not bother you there.

  • Let the neighors know they can call the police if they hear fearful noises or see your batterer hanging around the house.

  • You may stay at a confidetial shelter.

    • HOW TO STAY SAFE AFTER LEAVING

  • Change work hours temporarily and the routes you would normally take to work.

  • Arrange a different way of taking the kids to school or daycare.

  • Alert school authorities to the problem and any custody settlements (eg., that you have custody and the other parent does not have the legal right to take the children from school).

  • If the abuser is extremely dangerous, you may consider placing the children in a new school.

  • Reschedule any regular appointment times that your abuser is aware of.

  • Use a different grocery store, laundromat, etc., until the problem dissipates.

  • Go to different social spots than normal to avoid the abuser and the abuser's friends.

  • Alert the neighbors to the problem and request that they call the police if they suspect you are in danger.

    • IF YOU INTEND TO RETURN TO YOUR RESIDENCE

  • A restraining order will be needed to remove the abuser from the house if that person is a lawful tenant.

  • Locks should be changed. Change the phone number and make it unlisted.

    EMERGENCY STASH

    If you're planning to stay, but may have to leave in a hurry, plan ahead by choosing a place you can run to first. You can go to a 24-hour restaurant to plan your next move, or to a police station to be sure you are safe. Consider going to the house of a family member, a friend or a neighbor or to a safe shelter. Assemble an emergency stash of things you may need and keep them in a place outside your home with 24 hour access. Some things you may want to bring are:

    • Copies of legal papers for yourself and your children including:
      • birth certificates, yours and the children's
      • documents relating to the marriage
      • children's medical records /vaccination records
      • deeds to the home property
      • any will
      • the pink slip of your car
      • Temporary Restraining Order
      • citizenship documents (passport, green card,etc.)
      • immigration papers

    • Identification that you can afford to set aside, such as a passport.

    • A list of credit cards held by you or jointly.

    • A list of all checking, savings, and/or timed deposit accounts and any other assets (securities, stocks, bonds, etc.) held by you or jointly.

    • A change of clothes for you and the children (or two changes, if space is available.

    • Medications.

    • Important addresses or phone numbers that might be needed to contact family, friends, or professional help. Include the number of your local woman's crisis center.

    • Precious photographs of your children/family.

    • One special toy per child to ease their trauma during the shelter stay.

    • A picture of the batterer.

    • Some money.

    • An extra set of house and car keys.

    • Anything else you would want for yourself and your children.









    Why Don't They Leave?

    We've all heard horror stories about women in abusive relationships with men. We read about them in the newspaper on a daily basis. The first question that comes to mind is "why don't they leave?" There are many complex reasons and no easy answers. However, instead of asking "why don't they leave," one should ask, "why do they stay?"

    Cultural conditioning, religious beliefs, emotional bonds with the abuser, lack of child care and an acute shortage of battered women's shelters are only a few of the many reasons women continue to live with men who physically and psychologically abuse them.

    The cultural conditioning and religious dogma of our patriarchal society are powerful forces. Many women internalize the roles given to them by men. They often assume the roll of patient nurturer and live their lives in the shadow of the men they're involved with.

    Popular music is filled with images of love solving all of our problems and telling us we're nothing "without him". We're subjected to an unending hypnotic mantra of negative messages such as, "my world is empty without you," "you are my everything," "I can't go on without you" and many others portraying dysfunctional dependence as love. These messages are broadcast over the airwaves relentlessly. Turn on the radio and chances are you will be blasted with some popular song about "needing him".

    The religious right trumpets "family values" which glorify the biblical role of women; submissive servants of men and child producers. "God's word" (scripture written by men) claims that a woman's purpose in life is obeying her husband (whether he's right or wrong) and subordinating her life to his. Spiritual intimidation (the threat of damnation) along with physical and mental abuse, are weapons from the arsenal of abusive men which they use to control "their" women. Daily mental abuse which erodes a woman's self-esteem and threats of financial ruin, are a few other fear-based methods used to keep women "in their place".

    Cultural conditioning begins at birth, causing many women to develop a blind spot - the internalized belief in male supremacy. Many women demonstrate against abortion clinics, supporting the patriarchal system which enslaves them. They march in lock step, parroting the dogma written for them by men who don't know the first thing about the anguish of dealing with an unwanted pregnancy. Men don't have the right to discuss abortion, much less control women's access to it.

    Economics is another factor. If a women can't earn enough to move out and support herself and her children, she is trapped. Many have no place to go. There are three times as many animal shelters in the United States as battered women's shelters. Under our patriarchal government, women and children come last.

    I stayed in an abusive marriage for nearly ten years before managing to rouse myself from the patriarchal brain washing that bound me. Years later, I often asked myself why I put up with the physical, mental and emotional abuse. I wasn't religious and I didn't believe in the biblical role of women. I had no children and money wasn't a problem. My parents often asked me to leave him, offering me a car and a place to stay until I got back on my feet financially.

    I finally realized that what kept me under my ex-husband's control was my belief in our society's expectations of what a good wife should be. Low self-esteem was another factor. Also, it was less frightening for me to deal with a familiar bad situation than to leave him and face the unknown - even though it might lead to a better life.

    When the physical and verbal abuse intensified, I began to play a mind game called "how much can I take?" In a twisted way, the more abuse I endured, the stronger I felt. This type of thinking disabled my sense of self-preservation. I had lived with abuse for so long I forgot what a healthy life felt like. The abuse felt normal. A lifetime of cultural conditioning, listening to the unending mantra about "love conquering all" and needing a relationship to feel whole had prepared me for victimhood.

    I left him but went back several times before finally leaving for good. One day I decided I couldn't take it any more. I packed two suitcases, phoned my parents for a ride to their home and left everything behind. I went through all the symptoms of withdrawal from love addiction. Even after the years of physical and mental abuse, I actually missed him for a while. This had no rational basis; it was just a wistful longing for a loving relationship that never materialized.

    Shortly after this, I got a job and rented a small apartment. I met new people and my self-esteem began to improve since I was supporting myself. Healthy self-esteem is a critical factor. It acts like a vaccine, immunizing us against the users and abusers of the world who seek an easily manipulated woman to parasitize. Self-esteem enables us to choose quality relationships instead of settling for "crumbs" (in every sense of the word!)

    I have since remarried. I now enjoy a loving relationship with my second husband which is based on honesty and mutual respect. Without healthy self-esteem, it's difficult to create and maintain high quality relationships.

    There's no excuse for a man to use physical force against a woman or to wound her emotionally with mind games and cruel words. EVER. If you're in an abusive relationship, contact a women's center near you for help and advice.

    Always remember - you may be in danger if you plan to leave. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, 75% of women murdered in domestic violence disputes are killed by their male partners after they leave. If you fear for the safety of yourself or your children, refer to "Sometimes Batterers Kill" to develop a strategy in advance for leaving your batterer safely.




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